It was terrible and we are still traumatized. Sarah is shaken. The girls all need therapy. My faith in God is sorely tested.
A feminist right wing political terrorist group broke into our house while we were away on a mission trip for Jesus.
Imagine our horror when we finally made it home after spending five days doing God's will on a Cruise Ship.
We were saving large Cherub children from ice cream laced bacon ... stupid people who confuse a white letter "T" on ugly orange shirts with the state of Texas ... lost white people who wear baby blue tee shirts with yellow shorts, matching baby blue tube socks and sandals (can you say Georgia Tech?) ... mothers who raise their daughters to wear matching cover ups over matching bathing suits ... this was a mission trip to pure hell!
But we prevailed and came home filled with glorious praise for the Savior's command to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. We taught them to eat salad which they struggled with mightily. We held backyard Bible Clubs showing heathens God only follows the SEC and doesn't give a shit about Notre Dame. We sought out the oppressed giving the good news that clothing is optional. It got ugly sometimes when we had to slap some sense into parents for doing really stupid things with their children.
We were so happy to hurry home and begin a family study for this week's Sunday School lesson.
Instead, we were shocked to see what Satan's people did while we were gone.
We found Winston, the little gay dog, wearing a tee shirt that said "Republicans blow harder, Democrats always got your rear but we can agree on one thing. They suck!" The poor little thing was crying, paws duct taped behind his ball-less butt with a tiny Cuban flag stuffed in his mouth. He was left in the closet like this.
Goddess was beside him, also traumatized, snoring and passed out smelling of reefer. She was actually smiling.
Anyway, the feminist right wing political group was obviously upset about our mission trip.
Leaving their devious calling card, an elephant dressed for Fantasy Fest made us all scream in horror, "HOLY J. EDGAR HOOVER!"
Releasing Winston, the little gay dog, he hiked his left rear leg ... he is a leftist ... and peed on the Fantasy Fest Elephant.
Goddess half way opened her eyes and blew smoke on it.
Sarah and I locked the girls in their rooms and had a laying on of hands ceremony.
God's name was called upon multiple times.
So was Jesus's.
So was Satan's.
I swear to God Monica Lewinski and Mitch McConnell were there. Harry Reed and Nancy Pelosi were too. They were all entangled in a holy, sweat soaked, steamy, copulation of sex. Bill Clinton, America's greatest President ... he balanced the budget, left a surplus, never killed anybody and made oral sex a part of the country's vernacular ... hovered above. That was one great service! I still feel healed.
GLORY!
Anyway, when Sarah and I finished with the laying on of hands ceremony, Pope Frances himself had obviously intervened and performed a miracle.
Hearing a scream, we almost jumped up, but ... well, we were naked so we didn't.
Looking down on it ... experiencing yet another sigh of relief than the one I had with Sarah ... I watched it go round and round.
Winston, the little gay dog, having bathed, groomed and changed clothes ... now wearing a tee shirt that reads "The stuff trickling down on you isn't money" ... jumped up on the toilet seat and looked down.
The Fantasy Fest Elephant spun round and round.
Winston, the little gay dog, barked "Call me."
As the Elephant went down, we heard "I will."
Winston, the little gay dog, looked at me and winked.
"Another convert," he barked as he went to find Sarah.
