Whitley’s bicycle got really drunk yesterday! The first drunken bicycle of the season! And it should come as no surprise that it was Whitley’s.
It’s already old news as the moment it happened there was video footage and photographs all over the Internet.
I am proud to say that my bicycle, sober for many weeks now, stayed home studying a Sunday School lesson …or something like that. My bike is fit with bright blue paint, firm tires, and a seat cushion that fits just right. She does have a scar from back in her drinking days and a cup holder is busted from an unfortunate fall when she was hanging out with Whitley’s bike last fall. But I am very proud of her and she looks good.
Whitley’s bike however has not hold up so well. It spends more time lying on the ground that upright, is bloated and oversized, and couldn’t drive straight if its life depended on it. I think Whitley’s bicycle is bi-sexual. As a matter of fact Whitley is forever locking his bike up to keep it from running back to the bars on Tybee.
But no one expected this! It’s still February for Christ’s sake. Nothing happens in February which is why Hallmark invented Valentine’s Day.
I suppose there is basketball season but it is pretty boring stuff. In the pro’s they should just spot both teams 100 points, let them play for two minutes and then the games over. It would save a couple of hours of boring watching. At least in college they do shots of the cheerleaders but you still have to sit through a lot of basketball to see girls thrown in the air or jumping down from some dude’s shoulder. Some people claim its better in March.
I was busy yesterday doing the Lord’s work like I do every day. It was a beautiful day. Eighty degrees and girls in bikinis were everywhere. They kept bumping into me as I carried on my Chaplain functions. Around 3 o’clock I was tired and needed a break. After all just praying for all of the people who live here is time consuming enough but then you add all of the laying on hands I have to do and it is downright exhausting!
Roma, who is not dead, has been after me for months to attend the Sunday afternoon Oyster roast at Marlin Monroe’s owned by my friend Jenny Orr. So I drove down there for a much needed break. Sure enough Roma was holding center court taking people’s money for a kid’s fishing tournament. If you win the raffle you get a basket of cheer … meaning a bunch of kids smelling like fish.
As I walked up I witnessed Roma force Whitley to pry his wallet open. This is no small task as Whitley is one of the cheapest people I’ve ever met. It out Republicans Republicans! He’s worse that Mallory! Anyway Roma needed Ester, O Judy and Francis’ help to hold Whitley down so that he could contribute $10 to the kids and fish.
As soon as they let him up he ran for me. I sighed. The Chaplain was back on duty. The Lord’s work is never done.
The first thing that I did was ask Whitley about his bicycle. I’ve been around a long time and know where to start. Of course Whitley had no idea. He’d been busy being Santa Claus at the Oyster roast having selected customer sit in his lap and tell him what they wanted for Christmas.
I sighed again. This was going to be a full day.
So we went looking for his bicycle.
Meaning I went looking for it. Whitley was still full of the Christmas spirit and who could blame him? Girls in bikinis were everywhere, the crowd was a crazy eclectic collection of crazies and Roma had taken all of his money.
So I bounced back between looking for Whitley and then for his bicycle. After much prayer and soul searching I brought them both together. It was kind of like that scene in the movie “Moses” with Charleston Heston when the Red Sea is un-parted and drowns all of those Egyptians. Whitley and his bicycle fell into one another.
“I can’t take him home,” Whitley told me full of frustration and disappointment at his bicycle.
“It’s only three blocks,” I said.
“Look at it,” Whitley pleaded.
I sighed. A Chaplains work is never done.
So we went to my car and Whitley did the knobby knee weight lift dance to put his drunken ass bicycle in the back of my car and I drove them home. Except Johnny O, smelling a story because he used to be in the media, called me. I drove by his house and Johnny O snapped the picture. It was instant World Wide news… right up there with Charlie Sheen.
I let them out of the car doing 35 miles per hour by Whitley’s house and then went home. My bicycle was sober, clean, smelled fresh and quoted me several Bible verses from the Song of Solomon. I hugged her tightly and told her how proud I am of her. Then I lectured her a little bit.
Whitley’s bicycle has already gotten drunk! Bike week has begun. It will last until November.
