Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Post Doctorate Skipping

I have a long, rich history of skipping ... not like down the road but ... like school. Gene Prevatt and I were sick of the stuff the Board of Education was passing off as food at Groves High School so we skipped out and went Joe's Drive Inn. If you've ever seen American Grafitti or Happy Days then you've seen Joe's Drive Inn except it was called something else. Anyway ... Gene and I pull up and happily order cheeseburgers and fries through the advanced speaker system ... when my Mom pulls in across from us. We hit the floor, figuring we'd wait her out. After about ten minutes being curled up in the floor board, Gene finally said, "I'll handle this." He got out of the car and strolled to my Mom's car. "Shouldn't you be at work Mrs. Elliott?" "Shouldn't you be at school Mr. Prevatt?" Always snappy with a quick comeback, Gene replied, "Mike made me do it." I got put on restriction for a week or so but it did nothing to prevent me from moving onto "Advanced Skipping." Guy Sayles and I were sitting beside each other in Greek class in Seminary. It was a warm day and the windows were open on the second floor classroom. Dr. Omanson was reading from the Greek textbook when I raised my hand and asked some brilliant question. "It's in the book," was Dr. Omanson's scholarly reply. Barely missing Guy's nose, I threw my text book out of the window. The entire class looked at me while Dr. Omanson continued reading from the text book failing to have noticed anything. I took this as my cue to leave. From that moment on, if I was sitting in a lecture that was particuarly boring, I'd just get up and walk out. It was purely capitalistic thinking ... which is not necessarily theological in nature. I was putting myself through Seminary and saw it as a return-on-investment calculation. I wasn't going to pay to be bored. I also skipped work a lot in my career. The great thing about having graduated from Seminary ... or being thrown out ... is that I have the "REV." in front of my name. This often comes in handy so when I didn't show up at something I was supposed to be at ... or lead ... I simply explained, "God called me to do something else." It always worked ... except when Sarah called me one day demanding to know where in the hell I was. In fact, God had called me to chew tobacco and drink a beer in the parking lot of a Food Lion while listening to Alice Cooper. Apparently I was supposed to be leading a staff meeting and the Governor was touring Union Mission ... or something. For the last couple of years, I've skipped out on most everything, staying at home being a full time Beach Bum. I am now beyond advanced. I'm blazing Post Doctorate skipping. There are others who have gone this far but ... not many. So in planning today, I've decided to skip my doctors appointment, not water the plants, vote against everything, and take the girls into the complex with the "NO TRESSPASSING" sign on the door. I'm going to continue to not get a hair cut, wear underwear, or shoes. I'm not going to go to Church, sing in a choir or listen to a sermon (though I do read Guy Sayles stuff out of guilt for almost hitting him with the Greek text book). I refuse to watch the news, answer the door if somebody's running for office though ... I will open the door if it's Jehovah Witnesses because they're so fun to screw with. I just hope my Mom doesn't pull up ... though Sarah's probably going to get on to me.