Thursday, March 3, 2011

Walmart

“Does anyone know what this key is for?” Val asks holding a key in her hand.

“I believe that it’s used to unlock a door,’ Ryan responds.

Val sticks her finger in his sandwich and I roll my eyes.

Such is the incredible wittiness of the Breakfast Club early in the mornings.

A set of arms slide around me from behind and I already know that it is Nance giving me my morning hug. I squeeze her arms back.

Nance has the all-time greatest “50 Ways to leave your lover” story ever! She was in a rotten relationship and depended on the guy at that time in her life. She wanted to flee but didn’t know how she would be able to do it. She had no money. One day she visited all of the military recruiting offices and asked which could get her out of town the quickest. It was the Army. So she enlisted and two days left the guy a note.

“See Ya! Love Nance!”

And the world became a safer place because Nance was in the Army.

“What are you doing today?” she asks me.

“I gotta go to Walmart,” I sigh.

“Ouch!” she winces.

Living on Tybee Island there is this condition called “Tybeeidous” which is a dreadful fear of crossing the Lazaretto Creek Bridge which is how one gets on or off the island. I’ve come down with a serious case.

I was going to go to Walmart yesterday but my friend Mandy Salyes wrote and told me “Nooooooo!” That was all I needed so I stayed home and have dreams of beautiful girls with aqua colored eyes. Goddess and I grilled steaks on the beloved back deck and the ocean sang us her song as background music. It was a very good day!

I’ve got nothing against Walmart other than hating the place.

I do like the “People of Walmart” web page showing terrific photographs of …people at Walmart! Regardless of what kind of shape you’re in or if your self-esteem is low spending a little time surfing “People of Walmart” makes you feel great about yourself! I often use this in counseling sessions when people are feeling bad about their lives. They thank me profusely and become repeat customers.

Nance gives me another hug. “Hey can you pick up a couple of things for me?” she asks.

I reply by using a verb and pronoun. The pronoun was “me”.

Leaving the Club with Nance’s list in my pocket I drive home to take Goddess for her walk. Now Goddess has these golden sad girl eyes and when she wants to, she can pout. When I got home she was pouting. I knew why. The other day I worked all day and into the night and Goddess didn’t get her walk. Then yesterday I did it again save for a mid-afternoon break to …well, honestly …take a nap and dream of aforementioned aqua eyed girls.

So I tried to make to it up to Goddess with steaks on the grill. She liked them well enough but then she demanded butt rubs late into the night. When Goddess demands butt rubs we’re talking serious work. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing when she wants one… her butt is in your face …literally! So that is what I did for a couple of hours before going to bed last night. My fingers still hurt this morning.

When I opened the door she laid there pouting giving me the sad eyes. “Goddess,” I chide, “I want to be into aqua eyes! Like my beaches!”

She makes her eyes sadder and then sighs heavily.

I use aforementioned verb and pronoun again.

So I’ve got her leash in my hand and she is jumping up and down in gleeful bliss. Walmart is looking doubtful. I don’t know what I’m going to tell Nance but I’ve got all day to think of something.

Suggestions are welcomed.

Now … what did I do with the suntan lotion?