What I Am Doing

I was lost in thought, walking Goddess, I-Pod streaming Jim Morris beach music into my ears. My neighbor threw down his weed-whacker and walked towards me.

He is a large man with a large house and a large family. Whenever I see him on the beach he has large flags flying over this set up. The U.S. flag, the University of Georgia flag, Furman University and the Irish flag. He also has a large smile whenever he waves at me.

“What are you doing?” he asked, and I was touched by the sincerity in his eyes. “I mean you’re not really retired are you?”

“What are you doing?” It is the question that I have been asked the most throughout my life. Many times it’s “Just what in the hell are you doing?”

Growing up my parents asked me. In college it was my friends and professors. In seminary, I helped those ordained teachers learn to cuss when they asked it. While earning my Masters of Social Work, I was sitting across from the Dean who wanted to throw me out of school when she asked it.

As a professional Christian in charge of the Jefferson Street Baptist Chapel the people at corporate headquarters in Atlanta would fly me there to ask it. And at Union Mission Board members would enter my office with exasperated expressions and demand me to answer.

Now when I’m not doing anything people still want to know what I’m doing.

“I am gathering my thoughts and rearranging them,” I replied.

“Oh, you’re consulting,” he said flashing the large grin.

Laughing, I told him that I am. I didn’t tell him that I am mostly consulting myself right now.

The other morning at breakfast with two former Board members I was asked the same question and I replied that I am writing, learning to live alone, and taking the Sabbatical that I wanted several years ago that I think would have altered the direction that my life has taken.

“You’re gathering your thoughts,” he shot back. “You need to be doing something!”

Well, I am doing something. I’m taking advantage of the gift of these moments because none of us are assured much anything. And I am not relentlessly changing people or things for the first time. And I am getting myself back after pretty much giving all of me away for the past three decades.

It is hard work.

And I am deciding. Dive back in to the deep end of the work pool or expatriate to a place where there is no winter. I know that I would do well regardless of what I decide to do. Self-confidence has never been an issue.

That’s enough for today. I have to get back to doing something as I stare out of the window and enjoy just how beautiful Fran’s thousand shades of green are in the trees in the yard.