Digging Deeper

Yesterday was full of wonderment and work … so I didn’t water the flowers. Late afternoon I was returning from taking Goddess for a walk and noticed them drooping and dying in the summer sun. I’d been very aggressive taking care of them they need watering daily and in return they bring me joy.

I let Goddess run around the yard while I grabbed the hose and showered the fifty or so plants and bushes that are spread around the front and back yards and on the beloved back deck. It takes about fifteen minutes and it has become this reflective time. I stare at the reds, violets, orange and greens watching their leaves dance under the spray. The water puddles and I watch the ground quickly suck it into itself like lovers who kiss breathing one another in at the same time.

Today I am taken aback at how quickly all of the plants have recovered. They are standing proud showing off their colors bringing me joy. I grab the hose and start their day with the way that yesterday ended for them … bathed in the nourishment of being cared for.

As I do this, deep thoughts erupt in the analogy of constantly caring for the things that give me joy.

“People eventually grow to despise the things that made them first love someone,” I was told once told.

I didn’t believe it when I heard these words but in the end I suppose that, in this case anyway, she was right.

But I am a hopeless romantic. If this past year has taught me anything, it’s taught me that. It also let me know who showed up to sustain me when my heart was dry, brittle and broken. Nourishment must be given and received in equal proportions. For many years I gave far more than I received and it left me like dying flowers in a hot summer sun … that which was once beautiful and joyous was wilted and brown.

I have color in cheeks again. Hell I have color on my chest. And I’m mostly this reddish, golden color from spending so much time outside and at the beach. My soul is nourished. My heart’s watered by many and though the scars are evident it seems to be working fine. The blueness of my eyes has returned after going gray for a while.

“You seemed distracted,” I was told.

For the first time in years … I’m not.

I’m focused.

So one of the ways that God made me … is that I can take big ideas and ponder the
hell out of them … eventually figuring out how to turn them into concrete action steps. She peppered this with a heavy dose of a caviler, throw caution to the wind, attitude about … trying. Somehow she mixed in discipline … too much intensity … a thick cup of humor …overdosed the pot with music … and forgot to add boundaries. But … that’s how she made me.

I got it.

So I spend a lot time focused on things that people around me don’t think about. How do people get good health care when they have the shitty stuff? Why can’t people with AIDS have really good places to live? Who decided that homeless families should be split up so they can have shelter on a cold winter night (that would be the Army of Salvation)? What do you mean addicts can’t learn culinary arts and get jobs like the rest of us? And who in the hell gave politicians so much power (that would be themselves)?

Books, articles, programs, buildings, relationships … I spend a lot of time pondering these things ... Focused on them ... Pulling abstract ideas and taking the time to wonder … how do you do that?

And making them work.

Like a painter staring at a blank canvas, an inventor in his garage, a musician contemplating an unknown feeling, a teacher determined to break through a trapped talent … the occasional minister trying to listen to God … and the rarest of elected officials who gives a shit about anything but themselves …I dig deeper.

Like a child on the beach digging to find water in the sand, I keep digging once I start.

It’s funny how that pisses a lot of people off. They think that it’s against the rules to dig too deep. They prefer … superficial … status quo … the way things are ... people kept in their places … conformity rather than creativity.

Over the past year one of the things that I’ve learned is that we don’t like each other much … I like those who dig … the deeper the better … all of the way to themselves.

Because if God made us … that is where she is ...

Creating …

Us …

Where the colors live ...are watered and … bloom.