God and Damn

Sometimes you just stare ... off in the distance ... the distant past or the distant future ... but somewhere other than where you are ...

Somewhere where you long to be ...

Not here ....

My feet dangle in the water of the swimming pool overlooking the marsh with the Back River way over there. I'm alone listening to John Mellencamp sing "Your Life is Now" ...

but I mostly stare off in the distant somewhere ... fingers of my hands laced between my knees ... feeling the ocean breeze ... the sting of the chlorine on the oyster shell cut that just won't heal from a month ago ... and apparently I'll have good health insurance again ... after a career of giving other people health coverage when they had no chance in hell of getting it ... the glass of wine that I'd brought is long gone ...

It's just me ... water ... sky ... breeze ... God ...

And my hands folded between my knees on top of the water ... with ocean breeze kissing my face ... salt water tingling my nostrils ... missing what I don't have ... longing for what will be ... cursing the past ...understanding how God and Damned go together so perfectly sometimes ...

"Goddamned," I say as I slap the water ... then I'm off in the distance again ... future distance ... past distance ... somewhere else ... not where I am at ...

It's not God's fault.

And she doesn't give a Rat's ass that I said "Goddamned" because that is not taking the name of the Lord your God in vein.

What is ... is to say that you believe in God and you don't really ... or to say that you're a Christian and you just go to Church and don't really take on the things of Christ ... or you don't give a shit about people suffering around you ... or you just care about you and yours while you usher and take money like tax collectors (like Board Chairs who choose to remain ... well ... he's not even worth the effort ...)

But ... the things God cares about ... well ... that's different.

Today I had all of these homeless guys at my house doing work. I wanted to pay them ... to say thanks ... as they were saying thanks ... everything took too long ... they wanted to talk about the old times ... I wanted to work ... I pondered my baby sunflower seeds ... I kept mediating stupid arguments ... it was a crash collision that was going to happen ...

Then it did ...

So I hopped on my bike and rode ....

Now I sit, with broken feet in chlorine water, hands between my knees, staring at Pine Trees dancing in the ocean breeze, wondering ...

There is an old black saying ... "I'm tied of being tired" ...

Me too!

So it's time to stop. To hell with what ever makes me stare.

My life is now! Whatever I have left of it anyway.

I've done good ... lots of good ... and I've done bad ... lots of bad ...

But I did the best I could ...

I'm ok with it ...

It's just me ...

The way God and me made me ...

And whatever I did in the past is done ...

My life is now ...

Moving forward to the future ....

Goddammit!