Tiny Boxes of Rage

There are those in my life ... in yours too ... who've hurt me badly, scaring my heart as they positioned themselves at my expense ... and I believed in them long after they ceased caring about me.

They're just like most people ... self absorbed takers .... desperately trying to survive their own lives riddled with self doubt, conspiracy theories about everyone they know and the shallowest of self confidence.

With names like Jerry, Lavanda, Aretha and Loren ... they pass for most everyone ... because they're most everybody.

They devastated me because they built themselves up by tearing me down while I passionately believed in them.

It leaves you changed.

Moving on through life, meeting new people, my heart still believes though my head flashes off warning singles that they're just like everyone else.

The reality is that I've taken those hurts, betrayals and hate ... because in the end that's who such people are ... unable to love themselves without hating you ... and packed them in tight emotional boxes to never be released again.

I've done my best to bind them tightly by talking to friends, therapists and Holy Shaman who tell me I'm better than that and should rise above it all.

Life's moved on but I'm more suspicious than I used to be ... less trusting.

Good things happen as life moves on and little boxes of rage I carry are overshadowed by a beautiful partner, little girls, a Church in a Bar and a job that I love.

Then ... someone falls into your life who ... is them.

Repeating old patters, I do my best, give him a lot ... too much really ... and believe with everything inside they'll return in kind.

They don't.

And the lids of little boxes of rage open as everything bad that's ever happened fills my soul.

The difference between then and now ... is I have learned when to stop giving to those who give nothing back.

Remaining on the high road ... and in the most Christian way I know ... I say, "Fuck them."

I'm not doing that again.

Jesus was only crucified once.

He was way too smart to do it again.

I'm following Jesus on this one.