A Matter of Last Resort

I kneel because I don't know what else to do.

I do know I want God more than anything else at that moment.

I need God more than anything else when I'm down.

After I've tried everything else and it doesn't work so ... I get down on my knees.

It's always a matter of last resort.

On each occasion my face collapses into the padded Alter of my hands and I cry out ... into the silence.

Each time the only sounds are my own ... heart beats ... the cracking wet voice ... the sobbing moan from somewhere so deep inside that shatters every other sound ... Birds singing ... noisy traffic ... the pounding of a sledgehammer of construction ... and the never ending droning of Politicians and Preachers ... all fade as they bow before the sounds of someone completely on her knees.

I rarely get what I want when I'm down on my knees but ... I've always gotten up.

Maybe that's what it's all about anyway.

You can never truly appreciate being up until you've been completely down.

I think that's the perspective prayer gives!

It's not asking Santa Claus for this or that but it's lowering myself so there's no other way to look but up.

After seeing all of those standing over me when I'm down, I see above them to the white wisps of clouds hanging in a blue sky decorated with an occasional rainbow.

I think God's up there ... way above those standing over me.

So all of this craziness of millionaire Football players kneeling in protest of white cops killing poor, black people ... followed by the even crazier masses demanding they stand to show respect for the Flag and people in the military which have nothing to do with why they're kneeling ... and craziness breeds craziness so everything escalates and gets completely out of hand.

Maybe it's me but every times craziness escalates in my life, and I can't make sense of things because my original needs are overwhelmed by the demands of others to make things right ... it always ends up driving me to my knees.

Honestly, I don't care Football players are kneeling because I need mindless entertainment to forget about the stresses in my life for a few hours.

I don't care about patriotic zealots either because I've stood beside them in the food court during the National Anthem, listened to them glorify service while no longer serving, been caught up in such pettiness before and I'm not doing that anymore.

I've learned in life that it's far easier to stand after I've been on my knees than it is to lower myself after being on top.