I seem to be half a step behind on most things, but I try not to think about it.
It's very noticeable to Che though, that I'm not doing things I did just a few short months ago.
Instead, she snuggles with me on the sofa, and if I move my hand from holding her leg, she reaches up without looking, grabs my hand and puts it back.
She never complains, happily taking whatever she can get from whatever I have to give.
She never asks for more.
Likewise, Sarah cheerfully absorbs things I used to do around the house, as she plans for the end of this life we share, and the beginning of a new one without me.
I struggle to do much anything.
I still manage some things, filming TikTok's for others with cancer. I did a lot of press interviews in my time, learning how to talk in sound bites and delight in still using that skill every day.
It brings me joy.
I'm also on Twitter every day because I'm blessed to be part of a virtual community that makes me laugh, though it's much more than that. Elements of Church and love are there, often blatantly in my face, as we enjoy each other, and this also brings me joy.
I'm not doing well responding to direct messages, questions, support, offers and numerous requests for me to do something.
This used to be my life, managing and juggling the requests of hundreds of people at one time.
Now, they overwhelm me, often leaving me in tears, and Sarah and Che end up loving me through it, often at the costs of things they'd much rather be doing.
Lainey still drags me on a daily walk, though they're becoming both harder and shorter. Too many days I have to make myself go when I don't want to, and I find little joy in it.
I haven't quit yet but I can feel it coming, and that will be a very bad day.
I used to be in the news, often was the news, but now I don't want anything to do with it.
I ignore it all.
Whenever I consider the craziness of the world, I smile, and tell myself, "I've loved every second!"
My very unique skill set, which helped accomplish so much, for so many, simply doesn't exist anymore.
I have nothing left to give.
I've never lived like this before, often frustrating the Hell out of me because I think I can still do things that I can't. It's hard to not feel defeated when this is simply the way it is now.
"Dad," Che excitedly smiles, disrupting these thoughts, "do you want to go to Walmart with me and Mom?"
I do not feel like going to Walmart.
Che's eyes twinkle and I think to myself, "I better go. This could be my last chance. I don't want to miss out."
So I make myself go.
Halloween, immediately following Che's birthday, is a big deal at our house, so we're immediately looking at things that might be useful.
Sarah pulls up a tee shirt, laughs and says, "This is perfect for you."
I erupt in laughter and sure enough we have to have it.
"Future Ghost," it says.
"Here's another," Sarah laughs, showing me.
"Literally Dead."
We cackle in the aisle while people quickly maneuver around to avoid us.
Life is very much one day at a time now.
I don't make plans.
I do enjoy Sarah and Che and we still have fun, though I don't know how with everything going on.
Sarah still makes magic happen, getting us to a Savannah Banana's game, a Fall Festival and a shopping exposition.
We had fun, but I feel those things coming to an end too, as they're more difficult for me than before.
So we wait, joyfully taking the gift of another day together, making the most out of what we've got, while we've got it because, this is all we have left.
________
My Celebration of Life delightfully lingers but is coming to an end. Help me make sure Sarah and Che will be fine without me.
Please consider being part of their future at https://gofund.me/ffda4f4b
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