At the First Baptist Church of Hinesville, Georgia!
In full disclosure, I haven't been to a First Baptist Church ... or a second, third or forth Baptist Church ... in decades having sworn them off..
I took issue with a logo the Southern Baptist Convention once released ... "A MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING! LET THE PREACHER DO ALL YOUR THINKING!" and quit.
Until this week, I hadn't been back to a First Baptist yet ... there I sat ... cushioned pew ... gold offering plates ... Organ to the right, Baby Grand piano to the left ... men in three piece suits ... ushers ... Baptismal Pool ... an Old Rugged Cross with it's own spotlight ... and teenagers copping feels on the back row.
This is the Baptist Church I grew up in.
I couldn't help but notice the modern differences ... a sound system The Rolling Stones would covet ... two massive screens on either side of the Pulpit that could easily accommodate Donald Trump's ego (there were Trump brochures beside those for the Church Building Fund and upcoming Pastor's Appreciation Anniversary) ... a manicured parking lot equipped to host a thousand cars, trucks and RVs for the most dedicated Christians.
Late for the funeral, the Preacher was talking when I arrived so I checked Face Book on my phone until he finished.
THEN ... it happened!
A living, breathing, relic slowly made his way to the Pulpit wearing a wrinkled grey three piece suit, asked everyone to open the Hymnal to page 409 as the Piano and Organ wailed and started singing ... "In the Garden."
I couldn't believe it!
A live Minister of Music still roams the earth!
Shaking the cobwebs from my memory, I watched him keep congregational time by raising his left hand straight up and straight down.
I dropped my phone on to the padded pew as my mouth dropped open.
"Holy Baby Jesus," I mutter, "It's alive."
Not quite a Preacher ... not really a layman ... it's a Minister of Music ... some genetically flawed mistake of creation.
God must have looked the other way for a second during creation.
Mistakenly, I'd believed music loving Christians had killed off all the Ministers of Music in the 1970s in Satan's last great attempt to conquer the Church through Polyester suits and sock ties and believer's revolted ... and went Kaki.
"Well," I mutter out loud.
"What?" the Lady wearing a red paisley dress and orange blue hat asks, still singing "In the Garden."
"What's the fastest way out?"
She nods over her left shoulder towards the "Enter Only" door with the sign above it reading, "The Most Powerful Position Is On Your Knees."
I flee like Israel getting out of Egypt ... meaning I went to the wrong door ... twice.
That was on Thursday ... and I still can't shake it.
His hand goes up and down ... up and down ... up and down ... for no apparent reason ... not in any keeping with time ... as he leads us in ALL FIVE VERSES!
The poor woman died twice that day.
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